1 month Angelversary

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1 month Angelversary

It’s been a month already… A month since you were still in my belly kicking and moving. A month since we first met you. A month since we got to find out if you looked more like me or more like your daddy. A month since we held you, since we kissed and hugged you. A month since I studied and inspected every little piece of you with the greatest love and care in the world. A month since you changed our lives forever. A month since you showed us what pure, raw, intense and unconditional love is all about. A month since you made our hearts expand forever. A month since you showed us what life is really all about. A month since you showed us what love is really all about… But it’s also been a month, since you left

This last week has been hard on me, knowing that this day was coming. Ju_DSC1616-Edit-1st the thought of it made me feel sad. It took me right back into that dark spot I hate. And that’s where I’ve spent the last few days. Especially yesterday. The sadness took over. The pain took over. The longing took over. The “Why?” took over. Tears kept flowing over my cheeks without the ability to control them. I was hurting, bad.

This morning I woke up. Today was the day. One month. It’s strange how the mind works, how the body works. It’s really incredible. May 7th was actually one of the happiest days of my life. It completely killed me to lose my girl, and that also made it the most sad and unhappy day of my life. But it was also the happiest one. Because my baby was born, my little princess was born. And against all odds, she was born ALIVE. Alive to say meet us, alive to feel our love, alive to say goodbye.
The memory I keep of that day is a sweet one. I remember how that love that expands your chest when you hold your child for the first time completely swallowed me that day. In that moment there was no sadness, there was only beauty. Her beauty, the miracle of her life, my precious baby. And just like I felt that day, I felt today. Peaceful, completely overwhelmed by the power of love…
FeathersLove for my precious firstborn, my daughter.

I was so scared to spend this day in the darkness. It’s as if my body and my mind remembered that this was the most beautiful moment of my life. She’s been in my thoughts all day, but without that overwhelming sadness that takes your breath away. I spent the day creating a memory box for another angelmommy, to donate in Sahar’s honour. I went to buy the most beautiful flowers I could find for her, and the hubby and I laid them down on her grave. I walked around quite some time there, enjoying the sunshine on my face, and all those small miracles. The tremendous amount of flowers that grow just a few steps away from her, the amount of little feathers left like a trail on the edge of the water, the soft breeze that touches my face while I look at the bright blue sky, the sound of the trees moving with that breeze, the sound of quaking ducks that are swimming around in the pond opposite to her grave…

The pond

She is buried in such a beautiful, sweet and peaceful environment… I couldn’t imagine a better place for her to rest in peace. A place that represents all what she was… Beauty in all it’s forms… I am grateful. Because¬†although¬†she is not in my arms, I know -and see- that she is in a beautiful place.

Love,
Laila

 

 

 


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3 comments:

Loving an angel instead… | The very first boxes of hope12/07/13 at 9:47 amReply

[…] this one short since I’ve already shared everything I want to say on a dedicated page. On Sahar’s first month angelversary, I created the very first box of hope. I couldn’t post about it until now, because I still […]

Kristina23/07/13 at 4:08 amReply

Dearest Laila,
I found you on The Bumps Along the Way, and I have to say, I am so sorry for your loss. I can’t imagine the pain you’ve gone through in losing your daughter. I too had a miscarriage, but only at 8 weeks, and although it was a short amount of time, it was devastating. On April 6th, I gave birth to my rainbow baby, my sweet son Zachary and he’s brought so much love and hope to my husband and me I can only pray you will soon experience the same. Your family will be in my prayers. I donated to your fund and I know it isn’t much but I hope it helps. Have a wonderful evening! <3

noctovis23/07/13 at 4:47 amReply

Hi Kristina, thank you so much for reading, connecting and especially for donating. Every cent helps and I can do more than you’d expect with your donation so thank you so very much!
I am so sorry about your loss and happy you got your rainbow Zachary, I can only hope and pray to have one too someday! Thank you for caring and keeping me in your prayers!
Sending you all my love, Laila

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