Back to work

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Back to work

My first day back to work. My mom called me and she asked me “So how did it go?”. What could I have replied other than “I survived”. Because that’s been day one, pure survival.

I went to work really early, just to avoid stepping into a crowded office really. Just the thought of having all eyes on me the moment I walked in… There was no way I could handle that on top of all the other emotions I knew I’d be feeling, so I went in the earliest I possibly could. Like always, there were a few people in already, but not many. People kept coming in, and around 10 am everyone was in, as usual.

This was very, very hard. The last time I was there, I was happy, excited, peacefully awaiting the arrival of my precious baby. Just walking through the front door clouded my eyes with tears. It’s very difficult to relive how very different my life used to be. I feel older. But especially, I feel a different person. With other priorities, other expectations in life. With worries, with fear, but also with a tremendous amount of extra love in my heart. Love for my daughter.

But I am blessed, very, very blessed. I have the luck that I have people at work that are true friends more than they are colleagues, people that have lived towards Sahar’s arrival with me, people that were devastated to hear about the news to, there’s even people that grieve for her loss with me. Everyone is super supportive and comprehensive. They gave me the space to act anyway I needed to. Everyone respected the silence needed when tears filled my eyes. No one expects me to hop on the train as if nothing happened. And I don’t think anyone could ask more of his or her work environment than that. When you’ve faced such a loss, there’s nothing anybody can say or do to make you feel better. What they can do, is be there for you. And so many are there for me, even at work. I can only be grateful.

So I want to take the time to say thank you:

  • To those that gave me a hug and shed tears with me: Thank you for sharing my grief, I feel less lonely thanks to you.
  • To those that rested their hands on my shoulder saying how sorry they are for our loss: Thank you, your words touch my heart.
  • To those that smiled at me, while their eyes said everything words cannot express: Thank you, I can read through your smile.
  • To those that told me to take it step by step, do everything at my own pace, and take any time off if I need to: Thank you for┬árealizing what a hard time I’m going through and for giving me the opportunity to slowly resume life.
  • To those that sent me an e-mail so I could read it and reply whenever I felt ready for it: Thank you for sharing your sweet words while giving me the space to breathe.
  • To those that acknowledge that I am a mother and say it out loud, even though my arms are empty: Thank you so much, although tears may have clouded my eyes, they are not tears of sadness, but tears of joy. It truly means the world to me.
  • To all those that welcomed me back: Thank you, I am glad to be back to.
  • To those that didn’t know what to say and said nothing at all, thank you too. I know you cannot find the words. And that’s okay. Because there are simply no words that can comfort this loss.

Thank you,

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Ingrid11/06/13 at 6:08 pmReply

Laila en Frank,

Als moeder van 2 prachtige schatten, wil ik niet eens beginnen in te schatten in wat voor een bodemloze put van verdriet jij nu staat. Ik behoor helaas tot die laatste categorie die nooit echt goed is met woorden, maar geloof me….ik heb er wakker van gelegen. Gisteren en vandaag waren dan ook wat down dagjes op ‘t werk, omdat ik al wist dat het gemengde gevoelens zou zijn. Heel blij dat je terug bent en ook verdrietig om jouw verdriet te moeten zien.
Maar het doet me deugd om te zien en horen hoe die tijd even weg van alles en iedereen jullie toch wel in de startblokken heeft gezet om uit die put te kruipen, samen. Hopelijk lukt het jullie binnenkort weer om samen een vervolg te breien aan die mooit toekomst die voor jullie ligt, op welke manier dan ook…..Daarbij kan ik als collega niet helpen, ik kan er alleen zijn met een luisterend oor als je daar behoefte aan hebt, maar natuurlijk ook om plezier te maken en te sporten als de zinnen verzet moeten worden !

x en geniet van je dagje vrij morgen,


noctovis11/06/13 at 7:17 pmReply

Bedankt voor je steun en ontroerend lieve woorden Ingrid! En misschien is het volgende week wel nog eens goed weer en doen we die fietstocht naar het werk…