My first day back to work. My mom called me and she asked me “So how did it go?”. What could I have replied other than “I survived”. Because that’s been day one, pure survival.
I went to work really early, just to avoid stepping into a crowded office really. Just the thought of having all eyes on me the moment I walked in… There was no way I could handle that on top of all the other emotions I knew I’d be feeling, so I went in the earliest I possibly could. Like always, there were a few people in already, but not many. People kept coming in, and around 10 am everyone was in, as usual.
This was very, very hard. The last time I was there, I was happy, excited, peacefully awaiting the arrival of my precious baby. Just walking through the front door clouded my eyes with tears. It’s very difficult to relive how very different my life used to be. I feel older. But especially, I feel a different person. With other priorities, other expectations in life. With worries, with fear, but also with a tremendous amount of extra love in my heart. Love for my daughter.
But I am blessed, very, very blessed. I have the luck that I have people at work that are true friends more than they are colleagues, people that have lived towards Sahar’s arrival with me, people that were devastated to hear about the news to, there’s even people that grieve for her loss with me. Everyone is super supportive and comprehensive. They gave me the space to act anyway I needed to. Everyone respected the silence needed when tears filled my eyes. No one expects me to hop on the train as if nothing happened. And I don’t think anyone could ask more of his or her work environment than that. When you’ve faced such a loss, there’s nothing anybody can say or do to make you feel better. What they can do, is be there for you. And so many are there for me, even at work. I can only be grateful.
So I want to take the time to say thank you: