Yesterday was a beautiful day. I got up in the morning, immediately started my workout and had breakfast after. We went to the city, had a drink outside even when the weather wasn’t that inviting to do so. We went shopping for books. I bought an awesome ring I fell in love with.
We went to see a friend and spent all evening there. We had so much fun! We had dinner, we played a board game, we made jokes, we laughed, I even jumped like a 6-year old on a trampoline for God’s sake. It was a beautiful day. On the way home, I noticed the incredible supermoon. It was so big, bright and beautiful that I asked Frank to stop just to let me take a picture. When I got home, I took my macro out and took some awesome shots.
For a day, I was happy, almost carefree. That doesn’t mean I stopped thinking about her, not even a minute. But it means, that, for a moment, grief did not win over happiness. I enjoyed all the small things that came across my path yesterday, and I smiled at everyone of them. Including my daughter’s pictures. Including my daughter’s memories. Including my daughter’s legacy. When I went to bed, I hoped for another day like this. I hoped for more even: I hoped the relapse wouldn’t come this time. You’d think I’d know better right? Even so, I hoped.
Today is a new day. How I wish it were yesterday again. Today there’s the darkness. The sadness. The grief taking over. I physically ache. This heavy, crushing weight on my chest. I hate it. I’m short of breath. I feel that huge lump in my throat that even distorts my voice. I stare into the void, thinking of nothing, seeing nothing, hearing nothing. I can only perceive the silence and darkness that surrounds me. The 100kg additional weight I feel on my body. The stress I feel on my head, as if it’s being crushed from the inside out. All motivation gone. All yesterday’s dreams disappearing out of the sight, making room for fear again.
The vicious holes of darkness… I spend time in them, and after a while, I don’t know how, but I crawl out of them. It seems like it’s getting harder and harder to do so. It seems like the holes are getting deeper and deeper. It feels that instead of growing stronger, I am growing weaker. All those questions that no one will ever answer for me. All those questions that simply have no answer. They torture me. They weaken my strength.
I can only hope for a new day. Because in every new day lies great power. Sometimes a new day doesn’t bring what you expected, like today is for me. But it might just hold more than you could have ever wished for. It might contain exactly what you need to go on. It might even bring miracles. It might bring hope. It might even bring joy and happiness. A new day might be an opening to your biggest dreams. It might bring great opportunity. It might be a day you wouldn’t want to end. And if anything, tomorrow, will be the first day of the rest of your life.
Since today is not what I hoped for, I stand back, try to make the best of it, try to live through the storm, and hope for tomorrow. I hope for a new day.