Post 57 of 66

I am not alone. I have a husband that is always there for me, in more ways than I could have ever imagined he could. He is there to get me out of bed on those days I feel like locking myself into a cocoon of sadness. He gives me love and hope for the future, for our future together without Sahar, but also for a future with rainbows that will bring beauty back into our lives. Although it’s hard for me to believe in that future sometimes, he is always there to remind me that he believes in that future. He tells me that if I lack the strength and hope to believe in that future, that he will hope and believe for the both of us, because he knows it’s coming.

I am not alone. I have loving parents that have been there with me every single step of the way. Parents that raised me and gave me everything I could have ever wished for in life. Parents who’s biggest wish for me is to live a happy, blissful, and full life. Parents that would choose to go through everything I go through in a blink, just so that I didn’t have to. Parents that don’t only grieve the loss of their granddaughter, but also grieve because I grieve too.

I am not alone. I have a loving family that’s just a phone call away. Brothers, a sister, nieces and nephews, an aunt, an uncle, cousins, and not to forget, my family in law. Not family by blood, but family never the less. I could have never hoped for a better family to marry into. A sister in law that fits the name “sister” more than she fits the name “sister in law”. Always there, always around. Even if contact is not daily, they are there whenever they’re needed.

I am not alone. I have friends that have shared happiness and joy with me, but did not step away when sorrow, sadness and pain came our way. Friends who have been there to listen to the entire story… To stand with me and live the good, the bad and the ugly with us. Friends that remember our daughter with us, and that hope better times will come our way. Even if they are half around the world.

I am not alone. In this journey filled with hurt, tears, grief and love, I have found so many other mothers that share this path with me. People from around the world I found through the wonderful internet on blogs, mailing lists, instagram and facebook, are here with me too. We share the same pain, the same grief, the same bereavement. We hurt together, and comfort each other any way we can when sadness takes over.

I am not alone. Even though Sahar was torn from my arms and left this beautiful Earth way too soon, she is with me. Not like I had envisioned, but she is there. Not always as visible as I would like her to be, but she is there. In the small things. She’s there in the sunrise, the blooming flowers, the wind in the trees… She’s there in every butterfly, every flower, every ladybird, every dragonfly… She’s there in every whisper, in every rainbow, in every raindrop, in every ray of light, and in every sunset. She lives with me in spirit, because that is the only way she can.

I AM NOT ALONE. But the last few days, I have never felt lonelier in my entire life. Even when so many people are with me in so many ways, I feel lonely. Because she is not here to carry in my womb anymore… Because she is not here to hold in my arms anymore… Because she is not here…  It’s an emptiness that nobody can fill, a loneliness that nobody can take away. And although it’s always there, it has been suffocating me the last few days. And I don’t know what to do with it. I don’t know how to soften its grip on me.

So, while my mind, soul and heart whisper that I am alone, I stand up straight and say it out loud:

I am not alone!

Thank you for being there…


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kris12/06/13 at 1:27 pmReply

Thinking of you this morning. Praying for peace and strength for you today. I understand your pain and I still have days where I feel so alone, 4 months later. But you are right, you are not alone and neither am I. Many people know your pain and want to support you and lend an ear and a hug. Take care today.
~Kris (Landry’s mom)

noctovis12/06/13 at 1:36 pmReply

Thank you so much for your sweet words! I am here whenever you need me too, you know where to find me now :-) big hug!