I’ve received quite some reactions to my website already, and I wanted to share a word about it. From the reactions I have received, there’s an obvious distinction I can make: there are people out there that just love the website, like and respect that I am doing this, and tell me that they admire my strength in doing so. Then there’s another group that wonders: Why are you doing this? It just keeps reminding you of your loss and that way you can’t get over it, right?
To the first group, I would like to say thank you. It means a lot to me that you read every word I write. It means a lot to me that you remember my little girl with me. It means a lot to me that you share this website with other fellow angel mommies. Thank you for reading along, thank you for your support.
To the other group, I would like to say: I truly understand your concern and thank you for worrying about me. I know you mean well, and that you would like me to get better, to be the old me again. The problem is, that it’s impossible. Getting over it is no option as that would mean I would stop caring about her… On the other hand, it is possible to give her and this terrible loss a place in my life, and I’m working on it. And I am doing so partially through this website.
Everyone knows a child turns your life upside down. A child introduces a raw, unconditional and most sweet type of love in your life. Your baby becomes your number one priority in life. Well, although I lost my little Sahar, she had that exact impact on me. She is the most important person in my life, even when she’s gone. I feel her spirit with me, and I hope to feel her along my side for the rest of my life. Since she is not visible or present to the outside world, I pledged to share her story and break the silence about her. I had a baby, she was and will forever be my firstborn little girl, the one gone too soon. It brings me tremendous comfort that I can share her story and that people can read about her and remember her with me. That way, she will live on forever.
Apart from that, sharing her story, my feelings and my projects with you here, helps me heal a lot. When I feel down, I turn to this space where I connect with you, put my feelings into words and share whatever crosses my mind. Afterwards, I always feel better. Whatever was going through my mind is finally out there, and I feel a lot more peace of mind. Doing something for her, actively, makes me feel a lot better. Whether that means decorating her space here at home (still on that), or creating her scrapbook (still on that too, I’m quite a perfectionist ) or doing anything else that was inspired by her, brings me a special sense of peace. It brings me closer to her, and obviously that makes me feel calm, peaceful and even happy.
Then there’s this beautiful community. I have found tremendous comfort in websites like these, bereaved mothers that share the stories of their little ones gone to soon. And I have found so much comfort, inspiration and hope in them, in the early days and every other day since. They help me realize that I am not alone, that this actually happens to so many beautiful people in the world… They help me see that although I will never forget her, this hurt will soften. They help me realise that grief will always be a part of my life, but that that’s okay. They help me see that I will be able to find happiness in life again. Connecting with them is healing as we can easily relate to each other. And if, through my words, I can help even one other bereaved mother out there, then that is a true blessing.