About readiness

Post 25 of 66
About readiness

Are you ready for a new pregnancy? When are you going to try for a new baby? These questions are popping up a lot lately.

People around me see that I’m sad, that I’m grieving, that I’m hurting. And somehow, they want to fix my grief. And they do so by pushing the idea of a new baby. First of all, I want to emphasize how a new baby will never replace Sahar. She was unique. She was born. She is gone. She will always be missed. She will always be remembered. Second of all, deciding if Frank and I want to have another baby, is completely OUR choice. It’s not a choice anyone gets a say in. It’s not even a topic anyone should express their opinion on really. It’s our decision, ours only. We will decide if we’re ready, when we’re ready, and when we start trying. I just needed to get that off my chest. I do realize that everyone means well, but try to think about this. I can’t imagine you would like someone to be pushing their thoughts about what you should be doing in a situation so delicate as this one.

Apart from that, readiness is something I would like to talk about today. If you’ve experienced a loss, you know that being ready is not a question you can just answer with a simple yes or no. Because after you’ve lost a baby during pregnancy or labor, how do you ever decide to be ready again? To take on that huge responsibility. To trust your body to do it’s job when it has already failed you in the past.

There are many types of ready. There are several answers to this question.

Physically. You can be ready physically to have a baby again. I am. This is the simplest form of readiness to measure. You can go to the doctor, have them examine your uterus, your ovaries, and the rest of your body, even do some blood work if necessary, and you can get an answer. Based on those results, they can tell you if you’re body is in a condition to take on another pregnancy or not.

Mentally. Trying to get pregnant after a loss brings a huge amount of stress to your life, and to your body. The worry. Will I get pregnant again? How much time will it take? Will I get through the first trimester? Will I get through the second trimester? Will I get through the third trimester? Will I get through labor? Will my baby be healthy? Will my baby be born alive? So many questions, and none of them can be answered. You’re being asked to dive into a journey of question marks, knowing how devastating a negative outcome can be.

Finally, there’s the mental-physical connection. Even when you might think or believe you’re ready for another pregnancy, your fears and anxieties may be blocking you from getting pregnant. Your subconscious mind is a very powerful thing, and your physical body listens to it. You might say you’re ready, but maybe you don’t really truly are, maybe you’re just denying that you’re not. That’s where your body possibly kicks in, and boycotts every chance of you conceiving another baby. And I’m talking about a possibility here, not a fact. It doesn’t happen to everyone. Some people get pregnant immediately. Some take months. Sometimes this is the reason, sometimes ovulation just wasn’t timed right. I’m just mentioning this, because I know it happens.

So, what’s my story then? Am I ready? The only thing I know for sure, is that I’m ready physically. It was confirmed by my OB. What can I say about the mental part? I’m not ready for another loss, that’s for sure. And I NEVER will. Because I know the pain, I know the hurt, I know the heartbreak. And I will never be ready to go through it again. What I am ready for though, is a healthy, living baby. A rainbow baby that will restore hope and joy in our lives. That, I am ready for. I am ready to mother a living child. I am ready to raise my baby.

So what does that tell you? Am I ready? There are many answers. Maybe it’s a yes. Maybe it’s a no. Maybe it’s an I don’t know. I wish I could know the simple answer, instead I’m stuck with the complicated one. I think my OB put it beautifully:

You will be ready for another pregnancy when the desire to have a baby in your arms, surpasses the fear of losing it.

The answer lies somewhere in my heart.


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Michelle Middleton28/07/13 at 7:10 pmReply

Dear Laila, my heart breaks as i read your story, yes, losing your first baby is one of the most painful journeys to have to take, believe me i dont say this lightly, 14 years ago i lost Timothy who was stillborn and it was a huge shock, in the beginning i could scarcely get out of bed, but everyday i made a determined effort and i learnt through my my grief, i wanted more children, and yes as you say all those thoughts tumble through your mind, basically an overload.

Let me just tell you my story, I will never forget Timothy either, he was a beautiful baby and through my time of questions and soul searching, i came to believe, that our Higher Power only chooses very special moms to carry these baby angels, as HE needs them in Heaven and we are special to be given this gift of love, believe me, i also had all the questions, but at the end of the day, i chose to believe in my faith, believe that GOD only wanted the best for me and what happened to Timothy couldnt have been helped or done differently, he was a chosen baby.

I did have another two babies, both were girls and yes, there was nothing wrong with either pregnancy, both girls are beautiful, alhough i must say i think the doctors overly worried about them not being ok and had them born premeturely both at 37 weeks, this did have an impact on my first daughter who had a few complications in her life, like a heart defect, but at the age of 5 this was remedied and she is a gorgeous girl today, the second baby also premature, as i experienced as i had with Timothy a condition called gestational diabetes and this is what is a danger to babies, so they thought it best to deliver her early, she was a beautiful, happy child.

yes, i miss my boy, but i was so blessed with my two girls and sometimes, we have to give up something to get something better in return, in all reality my second girl wouldnt have been conceived because i only ever wanted two children and she really is such a special child. so please Laila, just go with your heart, you and only you will know when the time is right, but dont give up, even though you had a bad first pregnancy, it doesnt mean all of them will go that way, just go to your check ups, look after yourself and believe, have faith in GOD above, who only wants the best for you.

Your baby angel is up in heaven along with my baby angel and so many others and they just make heaven complete and you and i were specially chosen for this task and it is such a special blessing and as you go along your journey, know that this experience has made you a stronger person and you will get through it.

and two months ago i just experienced another loss, my husband passed away, so really i do know how you are feeling and all i can say, is we just have to put our hearts into GOD’s hands and let him guide us.

Keep strong, love and light always

noctovis29/07/13 at 3:39 pmReply

Hello Michelle, first of all thank you for taking the time to read and share your own story here with me. I’m so sorry you had to let Timothy go. It’s comforting to hear that it gets better with time but that you never forget at the same time. I hope to remember Sahar forever, I just hope that at some point, it will get more bearable than it is now. I just hope that at some point, I too will hold a rainbow baby (or more) in my arms. I hope that in time, I will feel that I am blessed and deserving of a beautiful life. Thank you for sharing!

Love, Laila

Amanda Marie29/07/13 at 3:33 pmReply

Wow. I’ve been feeling all those same things, it is true I feel your mental readiness affects the physical in some way. Very thing you said really went right along with what Henry and I have been going through as you already know. I’m glad I saw this today, you said it so perfectly.

noctovis29/07/13 at 3:40 pmReply

Hi Amanda, glad to know that I’m not the only one struggling with these crazy feelings all the time! Love to you always <3

Dafne26/08/13 at 8:32 pmReply

Hallo Laila

Ik volg nu al een tijdje je verhaal hier, op de mailinglijst en op facebook. Je weet het gewoon allemaal perfect te verwoorden wat ik ( en anderen) allemaal voelden en doormaakten. Ik hoop dat je ooit een boek kan/mag uitgeven, want ik ben er zeker van dat er veel mensen een punt van herkenning en troost in zullen vinden.


noctovis26/08/13 at 8:37 pmReply

Dag Dafne, bedankt voor je lieve feedback! Hopelijk is mijn blog een troost voor jou zoals die voor mij is. Bedankt om te lezen! Xxx