Are you ready for a new pregnancy? When are you going to try for a new baby? These questions are popping up a lot lately.
People around me see that I’m sad, that I’m grieving, that I’m hurting. And somehow, they want to fix my grief. And they do so by pushing the idea of a new baby. First of all, I want to emphasize how a new baby will never replace Sahar. She was unique. She was born. She is gone. She will always be missed. She will always be remembered. Second of all, deciding if Frank and I want to have another baby, is completely OUR choice. It’s not a choice anyone gets a say in. It’s not even a topic anyone should express their opinion on really. It’s our decision, ours only. We will decide if we’re ready, when we’re ready, and when we start trying. I just needed to get that off my chest. I do realize that everyone means well, but try to think about this. I can’t imagine you would like someone to be pushing their thoughts about what you should be doing in a situation so delicate as this one.
Apart from that, readiness is something I would like to talk about today. If you’ve experienced a loss, you know that being ready is not a question you can just answer with a simple yes or no. Because after you’ve lost a baby during pregnancy or labor, how do you ever decide to be ready again? To take on that huge responsibility. To trust your body to do it’s job when it has already failed you in the past.
There are many types of ready. There are several answers to this question.
Physically. You can be ready physically to have a baby again. I am. This is the simplest form of readiness to measure. You can go to the doctor, have them examine your uterus, your ovaries, and the rest of your body, even do some blood work if necessary, and you can get an answer. Based on those results, they can tell you if you’re body is in a condition to take on another pregnancy or not.
Mentally. Trying to get pregnant after a loss brings a huge amount of stress to your life, and to your body. The worry. Will I get pregnant again? How much time will it take? Will I get through the first trimester? Will I get through the second trimester? Will I get through the third trimester? Will I get through labor? Will my baby be healthy? Will my baby be born alive? So many questions, and none of them can be answered. You’re being asked to dive into a journey of question marks, knowing how devastating a negative outcome can be.
Finally, there’s the mental-physical connection. Even when you might think or believe you’re ready for another pregnancy, your fears and anxieties may be blocking you from getting pregnant. Your subconscious mind is a very powerful thing, and your physical body listens to it. You might say you’re ready, but maybe you don’t really truly are, maybe you’re just denying that you’re not. That’s where your body possibly kicks in, and boycotts every chance of you conceiving another baby. And I’m talking about a possibility here, not a fact. It doesn’t happen to everyone. Some people get pregnant immediately. Some take months. Sometimes this is the reason, sometimes ovulation just wasn’t timed right. I’m just mentioning this, because I know it happens.
So, what’s my story then? Am I ready? The only thing I know for sure, is that I’m ready physically. It was confirmed by my OB. What can I say about the mental part? I’m not ready for another loss, that’s for sure. And I NEVER will. Because I know the pain, I know the hurt, I know the heartbreak. And I will never be ready to go through it again. What I am ready for though, is a healthy, living baby. A rainbow baby that will restore hope and joy in our lives. That, I am ready for. I am ready to mother a living child. I am ready to raise my baby.
So what does that tell you? Am I ready? There are many answers. Maybe it’s a yes. Maybe it’s a no. Maybe it’s an I don’t know. I wish I could know the simple answer, instead I’m stuck with the complicated one. I think my OB put it beautifully:
You will be ready for another pregnancy when the desire to have a baby in your arms, surpasses the fear of losing it.
The answer lies somewhere in my heart.