I went to the OB today for a checkup. I’ve been looking forward to this appointment for what seems like such a very long time. While I was sitting in that waiting room, looking at all those happy faces and big bellies, I had this storm of feelings completely overwhelming my heart… From hurt, grief, fear, anxiety, to a tiny little bit of hope. The last time I was here, I didn’t really get the good news I expected, so I was trying not to hope too much this time. But I cannot deny it: I did want to finally get some good news. I wanted to hear that I can finally throw that birth control in the garbage can and let my hormones come to a balance again. I wanted to hear that my body has healed physically and that I am good to go whenever we want to… And yes, it happened. I heard all those things. Everything is okay. I can throw the hormone cocktail away. My body has healed. I’m ready, physically.
But now that we’ve arrived at this point, we’re confronted with the choice. The way I see it, there’s two choices. It’s simple. Not easy, but simple. You can go right, or left. You can TTC, or wait. It’s a very simple choice, but a very very difficult one. A choice with lots and lots of contradictory feelings…
Waiting is certainty. You know what’s going to happen if you wait. The same empty feeling, the same unfulfilled desire, the same nostalgic feeling whenever I see a diapers commercial, a pregnant woman or a mommy with her toddler in a stroller. The promise of not having another baby, for now. Time, with nothing else than each other and grief in our lives. It’s not what I want the most, but it does provide certainty, stability and security. Those feelings will be there, every day, until we decide otherwise.
TTC on the other hand, is uncertain, it’s unpredictable. You choose to take a chance again, you choose to take that risk so that in the end, a new life could expand our hearts again, fill our arms and remove all those other feelings (except grief, that’s my life companion, as is my love for Sahar). Obviously, this choice doesn’t come without risks. TTC means embarking a journey of uncertainty, fear, sleepless nights, worry and anxiety. In the best case, we reach the finish line with a healthy beautiful baby in our arms, which would make every single anxious moment completely worth the journey. In the worst case though, we’d be confronted with another great loss. Because that is the bottom line. If we choose to TTC, we expose ourselves to loss all over again.
Exposing yourself to loss again, is what makes this a difficult choice. I now understand the terrible pain of loss, and obviously I don’t want to go through it again. I honestly realize I can’t go through it again… And that’s where fear comes knocking on my door again… On the other hand, I don’t just want to give up trying, because I might just miss out on the most precious dream I have, raising my own children. I know that I have to realize that another pregnancy might turn out to be another loss. Although chances are smaller than the probability of a healthy, successful pregnancy, nobody can deny that loss is still a possibility.
If I get pregnant again, I will love that little tiny fragile life inside me just as much as I loved Sahar from the moment I held that positive pregnancy test (uhm, I mean those 5 positive pregnancy tests). Telling myself that I will be able to detach from that new life so that I would be able to handle another loss more easily than I am now, is lying to myself. And the illusion that someday I will be prepared to go through a loss like this again is non-existent.
So how can we possibly make this choice?? I think the only way is evaluating what dominates: the desire to fulfill that precious beautiful dream? Or the fear and anxiety of going through another loss?
I still don’t have the answer to that question.