I see my girl every single day in my mind. I can still see my big belly, I can still feel how it felt to rub it, thinking of my little girl growing inside. I have that vivid image in my brain of the moment my water broke and all those emotions of knowing she’d be coming soon overwhelming me. I still see myself, lying on that table in the delivery room, giving birth to my precious firstborn baby girl. I can still feel the contractions. I can hear Frank and my OB shouting to push. I close my eyes and relive that first glimpse I got of her when she was born, so tiny, so incredibly beautiful and precious. I close my eyes and feel her lying in my arms. I still see that expression of pure LOVE in my husband’s eyes when he first took her into his arms. I can still feel that tremendous amount of love and bliss I felt when I held her in my arms… I remember when they told me she was ALIVE. I can still feel her soft skin and beautiful soft pink cheeks. I can still see myself kissing her, hugging her, cuddling her… I still FEEL her. I still SEE her.
I remember the first time I looked at her pictures after she left us, and my first thought was: My gosh, she was so much more beautiful in real life… Pictures didn’t seem to capture her true beauty… The reason is, that pictures aren’t able to capture the LOVE that I feel in my heart. The overwhelming raw emotions that I felt when looking at this tiny little person that looked so incredibly much like me. My mom was teletransported all the way back to the day she gave birth to me when she first saw her… That’s how much Sahar resembled me. She inherited her daddy’s big feet, that was obvious And maybe she even had those greenish-grey colored eyes that I always hoped she’d inherit from her daddy… Sadly, we’ll never know.
A few days ago, I felt the need to see, hold, touch and smell her little clothes again. The ones she wore the day she joined us, the day she left us. I’m so grateful I have them, I even have her little tiny diaper. So I went upstairs, I opened her memory box, and took out her clothes. As I looked at them, I completely crashed. I completely broke apart as I held them in my hands. The heartache was stopping the oxygen from entering my lungs. The pain, the unbearable guilt… Because, I couldn’t seem to remember that she was that SMALL. I remember her face perfectly, her little hands and feet, I remember the incredibly long eyelashes she had, that cute little nose and those beautiful full lips. But somehow her actual size had slipped from my mind. I was completely shocked to realize it, and completely broken to comprehend that I had forgotten.
How could I have forgotten how tiny she was? Was my mind failing me? The memories that are most important to me, the ones I promised myself would never fade from my memory, were slowly escaping me… How could this happen? How was this even possible? I think of her every single day, uncountable times a day, I always see her in front of me, but still, this detail seemed to escape me? I was mad at myself, and incredibly disappointed.
After a long afternoon of crying, asking myself how this could happened, punishing myself for forgetting, and grieving the memories that had been starting to slip my mind, Frank came in and shared his thoughts about the feelings I was having. He told me it was okay for some things to fade away. He assured me that this was inevitable. I would always remember her and most of her details, but some of the specifics would slip my mind. He reassured me that it was okay to not remember every single little tiny detail. He made me realize that it was a true miracle that our minds had the ability of recording so much detail in such a short time filled with shock and sorrow.
It is okay… Because the raw, unconditional, enlightening and most powerful LOVE is still there, locked in a huge compartment of my heart, enclosed in a room with huge metal doors of which she took the key with her when she left.
The essence remains, she will always be in my heart, loved, treasured, remembered. I will remember her every single day of my life. I will celebrate every single of the birthdays she celebrates in heaven. I will recognize her in every single little miracle that life puts on my path. I will talk about her to every person I know. I will introduce her to her siblings later in life. I will talk to her in my mind every time I miss her, every time I want to share something with her. She will forever be my first and last thought of every single day of my life.
Thank you sweetie, for making me see that. I have the best husband ever… I love you!