Lindsey wrote a post a few days ago that got me thinking of something that’s been going through my mind for almost three months now. She wonders if a thought might have changed the outcome of the pregnancy. If a thought or a dream that something is wrong, can actually make something go wrong. I don’t think that’s possible, and I will tell you why, but in another post. This one will be long enough as it is. What I do think about a lot, is that when I look back, there were so many random events that confronted me with the possibility of a loss. And I ignored them, and told myself everything was okay. Now I wonder if they were signs, I wonder if they were warnings, preparing me for this loss…. Here’s a few of these events:
While we were trying to conceive, a co-worker was telling us a story about one of their friends. They were half way through their pregnancy when their baby was diagnosed with a severe condition and they were forced to let the baby go. Since she was half way through the pregnancy, she still had to deliver the baby. I shivered while he was telling us this. I even asked him to stop talking about it. I went through exactly the same thing. Maybe it was another condition, but the outcome was exactly the same.
One day at noon, while we were putting on our gym clothes and our sneakers in the dressing room to go do our (almost) daily workout, one of my best friends said she found a song that made her think of me. She put it on on her phone but with all the noise there I couldn’t really hear it, so I asked her to give me the name of the song and the artist. She e-mailed me parts of the lyrics later, and I loved them while I read them. I asked for the entire link to share it with Frank, but she refused. I couldn’t understand why, so I kept asking. Then she told me: “Well, it doesn’t end well, so I only want you to read the lyrics I sent you”. I could have never imagined at that point that those lyrics would come to mean so much to me, including the end. It’s Small Bump, performed by Ed Sheeran. It will forever be Sahar’s song. You can find it below.
One of the shows I loved to watch on TV was Private Practice. I loved this show, the practice, the cast, the fertility doctors, the beautiful babies being born, the happy endings. While I was pregnant I watched the part where Amelia has a baby with a severe condition: it has no brain at all. I remember grabbing my belly while I watched it and reassuring myself that Sahar was okay, and that there was nothing to worry about. After all, I had seen those perfect equal hemispheres of her brain during my last ultrasound. A few weeks later the doctor told us that all her brain tissue was damaged beyond repair.
A few weeks before we lost Sahar, I was watching a movie on TV. It was about a newly wed couple, that lost a baby just a few months before, struggling in their new normal, their life after loss. They had a beautiful baby girl that died from SIDS a few days after birth. Although it broke my heart to watch it, to see that suffering, to imagine how terrible something like that must be like, I sticked through it, cried with them, and prayed that that would never ever happen to us. Never had I imagined that me and my husband would be going through the same pain just a few weeks after.
All these random events, that happened at random times through my pregnancy with Sahar, could be looked at as just coincidences… I know I did. But looking back at everything that happened, I can’t seem to shake the feeling that this entire set of events were somehow related. That they happened for a reason. That they were there to warn me, to prepare me, that something like this might happen to us too. And I completely ignored them. But lightning stroke. And I lost my baby.
Does that sound crazy to you? Or do you think that all these random events were actually tied to each other and sending me a message? Do you believe that the universe can send us messages?