Did I fail her?
This is one of the questions that I constantly ask myself in my inner chit chat. Was there something I did wrong that caused her to get so sick? Did my body fail her somehow? Was she missing any nutrients? Was she experiencing any kind of stress caused by me? Could I have done anything that harmed her? Could I have done something different to change the outcome? Could she have lived? Could she have been healthy?
This is one of the questions that truly haunts me. It’s what I keep beating myself up about. What could I have done to change the outcome…? Because one thing is for sure, I would have given the world, my life, to change the outcome. To have a healthy Sahar in this world.
I have spent hours and hours searching the web, reading professional articles, talking to my doctor, and there is just no reason. There was nothing that I could have done to have caused this. Especially not in the form she had it. Normally, when Hydrocephalus is diagnosed in a fetus, it is diagnosed together with other abnormalities like Spina bifida (split spine), or other chromosomal abnormalities. And she didn’t have ANY of them. The only thing that was wrong with her is that she had a very severe form of Hydrocephalus that had developed so far that her brain was damaged beyond repair.
When she was diagnosed, my OB, together with the professor and their assistant, did a thorough examination of her entire body, every organ, every function. They took loads of measurements, they extracted amniotic fluid, they took both mine and Frank’s blood and had everything examined for chromosomal abnormalities and genetic incompatibilities. Nothing was found. Nothing at all.
The fact that nothing was found at all, did raise a bunch of mixed feelings. Obviously I am very happy that Sahar didn’t have any extra problems (it was hard enough as it was), and that no genetic incompatibilities were found between Frank and me. This meant that even though we couldn’t save Sahar, we would have a normal chance to have healthy babies in the future.
But on the other hand, this same fact, raised lots of other feelings to. Feelings of despair, of disbelief. How did this happen? Why did she draw that one in a million straw? It makes everything so unreal. It makes the why’s so difficult to let go… It even makes me feel that we’re doomed with bad luck. Because that’s what they called it: bad luck. The feeling that “luck” was what decided my daughter’s fate, is a nasty one. There is nothing I can do to prevent this from ever happening again. Chances are ridiculously small that it will, but then again, it did happen to Sahar. Which makes that chance really realistic and scary to me.
Everyone tells me to focus on the good part. On the fact that there are no abnormalities, and that there’s no increased risk of this ever happening again. But this is no comfort for our loss. Sahar is still gone, and the positive results didn’t help her, they didn’t bring her back, they didn’t make her better, they didn’t change her fate. I guess this is just one of the demons I will have to fight for the rest of my life. Because there are no answers. There are no reasons. It just happened.