Questions unanswered

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Questions unanswered

Did I fail her?

This is one of the questions that I constantly ask myself in my inner chit chat. Was there something I did wrong that caused her to get so sick? Did my body fail her somehow? Was she missing any nutrients? Was she experiencing any kind of stress caused by me? Could I have done anything that harmed her? Could I have done something different to change the outcome? Could she have lived? Could she have been healthy?

This is one of the questions that truly haunts me. It’s what I keep beating myself up about. What could I have done to change the outcome…? Because one thing is for sure, I would have given the world, my life, to change the outcome. To have a healthy Sahar in this world.

I have spent hours and hours searching the web, reading professional articles, talking to my doctor, and there is just no reason. There was nothing that I could have done to have caused this. Especially not in the form she had it. Normally, when Hydrocephalus is diagnosed in a fetus, it is diagnosed together with other abnormalities like Spina bifida (split spine), or other chromosomal abnormalities. And she didn’t have ANY of them. The only thing that was wrong with her is that she had a very severe form of Hydrocephalus that had developed so far that her brain was damaged beyond repair.

When she was diagnosed, my OB, together with the professor and their assistant, did a thorough examination of her entire body, every organ, every function. They took loads of measurements, they extracted amniotic fluid, they took both mine and Frank’s blood and had everything examined for chromosomal abnormalities and genetic incompatibilities. Nothing was found. Nothing at all.

The fact that nothing was found at all, did raise a bunch of mixed feelings. Obviously I am very happy that Sahar didn’t have any extra problems (it was hard enough as it was), and that no genetic incompatibilities were found between Frank and me. This meant that even though we couldn’t save Sahar, we would have a normal chance to have healthy babies in the future.

But on the other hand, this same fact, raised lots of other feelings to. Feelings of despair, of disbelief. How did this happen? Why did she draw that one in a million straw? It makes everything so unreal. It makes the why’s so difficult to let go… It even makes me feel that we’re doomed with bad luck. Because that’s what they called it: bad luck. The feeling that “luck” was what decided my daughter’s fate, is a nasty one. There is nothing I can do to prevent this from ever happening again. Chances are┬áridiculously┬ásmall that it will, but then again, it did happen to Sahar. Which makes that chance really realistic and scary to me.

Everyone tells me to focus on the good part. On the fact that there are no abnormalities, and that there’s no increased risk of this ever happening again. But this is no comfort for our loss. Sahar is still gone, and the positive results didn’t help her, they didn’t bring her back, they didn’t make her better, they didn’t change her fate. I guess this is just one of the demons I will have to fight for the rest of my life. Because there are no answers. There are no reasons. It just happened.

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Jetty18/07/13 at 8:07 pmReply

Guilt and what ifs are endless once you open that door. At some point in grief, and everyone is different-you choose to close that door. You choose to accept. You choose to love yourself and your baby by letting go of that nagging voice. I know how you feel…9 months now since my loss and I’ve taken control of those thoughts. They don’t serve me, or send me in a peaceful path. They are necessary to think and feel, but at some point we must forgive ourselves and accept the sadness. I’m not saying you haven’t–this has just been my experience with grief. It’s very easy to blame yourself and even begin to hate yourself for things out of your control. It sounds like you are still in the shock of your loss. I’m so sorry-nothing I say will make it better..but I know how you feel, you are not alone..and this was NOT your fault.

noctovis18/07/13 at 8:16 pmReply

Thanks for commenting Jetty. Just knowing that my feelings and thoughts are “normal” helps a lot. It just seems so crazy to me, all those little events… But I guess you’re right, I guess it’s just guilt talking. Thanks for your words, they make me look at everything from yet another perspective.
I am so sorry for your loss too. I sometimes wonder how it will be months from now… It’s just been 2 months and a half, and I can’t imagine myself a few months from now. I’m so grateful for all the beautiful I’m meeting in this community, so thanks for connecting!

Lots of love to you x

Michelle Middleton21/07/13 at 3:16 pmReply

I know exactly how you feel, Timothy was my first born, i had experienced naseau on the onset as most of us do, i was going to my regular check ups, although there always seemed to be high sugar levels but nothing done about this. At four months suddenly one day i was throwing up all day, i couldnt understand it but then it was gone as fast as i had come. i never thought anything of it. As the pregnancy went on i noticed my baby wasnt kicking he was doing a swimming motion from side to side and using his fists, as it was my first pregnancy i didnt take to worrying about it, only when the time came that he should have come, he wasnt comming and my instinct told me something was wrong, i went to the top gynaecologist in Pretoria at that time, he did the sonar (and i think he lied to plain and short) the babies fluid was extremely low, the due date wasnt regular and what did he say, go home it will be another week. i went home a week later i couldnt feel Timothy anymore, i rushed to the doctor, my baby was brain dead before the heart had stopped, i wasnt booked in for C section, no, i had to have the birth naturally it was very painful and an very long labour, but when he was finally dragged out with the salad spoons after i just almost passed out with exhaustion, he was just so, so perfect, all his fingers and toes and a crop of orange hair, blue eyes. My baby angel. I believe after much research Timothy probably would have been born paralysed or worse and i must have had gestational diabetes only occurs in pregnancy, which is what causes the high sugar levels and causes the baby to grow to fast and not get the nutrients they need. I grieved for well over 5 months, barely getting out of bed, but today i have two beautiful girls and the second i was booked into hospital shortly before she was born as i contracted gestational diabetes once again, yet the second child, there was no sign of this. So i wish you lots of healing love and hugs and i have come to believe babies have to make the decision whether they want to be born or not and also there is some part that the Higher Powers choose special moms to carry and bare these babies so that there can be baby angels in heaven. To get through the days i potted in my herb garden, and that was just so healing and baked my baby a cake everyday for a least a month, just to have a reason to get out of bed.

love and hugs

noctovis21/07/13 at 5:47 pmReply

I am so sorry for your loss, and so sorry you went through such a hard labor. Thanks for sharing your story here with me by commenting <3 I’m so glad to meet all you bereaved mom’s out there, it brings me so much peace to connect with you guys! Whatever way you find healing in is a good thing, I’m glad you got through it. Wishing you lots and lots of peace Michelle!