Reinventing myself after loss

Post 35 of 66
Reinventing myself after loss

Every single person you meet along your way has an impact on your life. Some impact your life in extraordinary ways, while others only change a few accents here and there. Just think about it. The very first persons that shape your life are your parents. The way they raise and educate you, form the foundations of your personality. Then there’s your siblings, your teachers, the rest of your family and your friends. Every life experience. Day by day, your personality is being shaped, by all these people, by every single event that happens in your life. It’s a process that goes on your entire life, and since it’s so gradual, it happens along side your life in a transparent way.

However, there are people, experiences and events, that are so very impacting, that you can actually perceive the changes they cause in you. The way they affect your way of thinking, your way of living, your way of being. I’ve had many people truly leave a deep imprint on my life, as have you. Looking back, I’m sure you can identify them, as can I:

My youngest brother has always been a true inspiration for me, he’s one of those few that has really shaped key elements of my being, always pushing me to reach my full potential. I realize that without him, I wouldn’t be where I am today. Then there’s my first marriage. A bad choice, a broken relationship, a complete clash of incompatible beings. A bad relationship can be a very positive something, I know it was for me. It has the power to teach you what you DON’T want in life. This “bad” experience is the one that in time, pushed me into the arms of my husband, my soul mate, my forever always. This superman that makes life so very worth it, in every single aspect. He’s a caring, intelligent, loving, kind and beautiful being, and I would truly be lost without him. You know where I’m heading. The greatest, most ground-shaking life changer has obviously been Sahar. She was so tiny, but her imprint is truly mind-blowing.

A trauma has the power to change you deeply, more than any other experience can. It has the power to make you question the foundations of your beliefs, your dreams, your ambitions and yourself. The problem in a case like this, is that the change does not come gradual at all. It happens, all at once, in the blink of an eye.

I’ve shared with you yesterday how I alien I feel in this life after loss. I finally understand why. It’s not because I’ve lost a baby and the people around me haven’t. It’s because my loss has changed me to the core, and I haven’t given myself the time or the space to get to know my new self. After Sahar left, I accepted that grief would forever walk along my path, that I would be different, but apart from that, I tried to find my way back in the life I had before loss. But most of the time I feel out of place, alien, lost in this world, lost in myself. And that makes complete sense, because I don’t really know myself thoroughly anymore. I’m kind of an alien in my own body.

I’ve accepted that I’ve changed, but now I need to embrace it. I need to truly get to know this new person that I have become. I need to be able to look in the mirror and see myself instead of seeing a stranger. I need to find myself again, the way I am now. And it’s something I’m going to have to work on every single day. And one day, I will feel that I fit again. That I am part of this life, of this world. That I can participate, enjoy, and live life to the fullest again.

I already know this will be an important process in this life after loss, and I’m so glad I finally identified and acknowledged that I have to go through it. I am grateful that thanks to some inspiring people, I embarked on this blogging journey. Because without this writing, I wouldn’t have identified this problem as such, and would have spent a lot more time just feeling alien and lost, without really understanding why. I will be posting about this process in future posts, and I will tag them when with “Reinventing me” if you would like to follow along.

Love,
Laila


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