Another angelversary goes by

Post 19 of 66
Another angelversary goes by

Today is that day again. The 7th of the month. The day that marks three months since Sahar joined and left this Earth on the same day. Whenever a new month starts my heart breaks a little, knowing that the 7th will soon arrive. I don’t like these days. They only mark how long she’s been gone, how long we’ve been living without her, how long we’ve been going through this pain and grief. They bring back that heartbreak of saying goodbye, just when we were so happy to hold her in our arms.

It should have been so different. I should have been happy every 7th. I should have celebrated every 7th. I should have been writing a diary entry in her memory book to note all the new things she has learned to do in the last month. I should be remembering her first glimpse at this world with nothing but love and happiness. I should be looking at her newborn pictures and be completely amazed at how much she’s grown and changed already.

Instead, this day is empty. It’s lonely. It’s painful. It’s heartbreaking. It fills my mind with why’s all over again. It makes me doubt if I’ve done the right things during my pregnancy. It makes me wonder if I could have done more. It makes me feel I failed her. It reopens all my wounds, just when I’ve been working so hard to heal them just a very tiny bit.

It feels so wrong that this day brings nothing but feelings of hurt, pain and grief into my heart and mind. The 7th will forever be her day. So apart from spending the day crying for her passing, which is inevitable, I want to use this day to start thinking about how I can make something beautiful out of every 7th of the month.

Things I’ve done already on her angelversaries:

I’m using this next month as time to reflect more on this subject and add items to this list. The 7th will not always be a free day, so it’s important to come up with a few things that fit into a busy work-life schedule. For example, creating a box of hope takes me more time than I can free up on a working day. But lighting a candle makes me feel like I haven’t done enough.

How do you feel about this topic? Do you try to find beauty, love, healing and happiness on your baby’s angelversary? How do you do this? Share in the comments below!


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1 comment:

Kristen09/08/13 at 11:24 pmReply

Laila, thank you for another beautiful post. I too am a few days away from the second month angelversary & it’s hard to believe it has been this long. I miss my son Carter every second of everyday, and yet I’m still not sure what special thing I’d like to do to remember him every month.
I did want to share this quote that I found online, as it brought me comfort when I realized how much I hated the time passing. It seemed like the longer it’s been the harder it is to remember each detail of the brief time I had with him. Things that I never wanted to forget, and yet it all seems so fuzzy, so distant. But I think this quote gives a different perspective of looking at the time passing:

“I have to remember that time is not taking me farther from you, but that it is bringing me closer to seeing you again. That, to you, we will only have been parted for an insignificant moment”