The second part of 2012 and 2013 has been a rough time for us. Lots of issues came our way that we weren’t expecting, that we weren’t prepared for. It seemed like everything was going wrong. Frank and I fought through it, and finally saw light in the darkness when we held that positive pregnancy test in our hands. From that moment on, Sahar was the little guiding light in the pile of other issues we were trying to work our way through. When she passed, I couldn’t believe that we had to deal with this terrible loss after all what we had been through. I honestly thought the universe was out to get me, to destroy me. Everything was going wrong, and nothing at all was going right. I was being punished, while I couldn’t figure out what on Earth I had ever done wrong to deserve this. Life knocked me down on my knees, and for a while there, I couldn’t find the strength to get back up and fight back.
I was drowning in a pool of negativity and self-compassion. And negativity drags you into a vicious circle. It makes you see the bad and evil in everything, and forget and ignore all the good, which makes you feel that even more is going wrong and even less is going right. It destroys your hopes and dreams during a time when you need them to survive. At some point in this journey, and like always thanks to the support and wise words my husband speaks to me, I slowly found my way back to positivity. In a time where everything is sad and dark, it’s important to look at our lives, to look at what we have, and to count our blessings. Because there are lots of them. We have a lot to be grateful for, we have a lot of good things going on in our lives. Sometimes it just takes a second look.
I am grateful for my loving, comprehensive and supporting husband. He is the love of my life and we are each others soul mates. We belong together and there is no greater proof for that than the bond we feel towards each other. I am grateful that I have him on this difficult journey. I wouldn’t get through it without him.
I am grateful for our daughter Sahar, because although she couldn’t stay here on Earth, I am so happy to have carried her, to have known her and to have felt her for that short amount of time we had her with us. She was so young, so small, and still she brought us so much love, and so much wisdom. She taught us things that we didn’t even know we had to learn. She brought a love into our lives that is unrivaled.
I am grateful for the family that surrounds me, the one that was given to me by the ties of blood and the one I married into the day I gave Frank my “I do”. I am grateful for the dear friends that have held my hand (and still are) through this difficult journey, the ones I knew before loss, and the ones I’ve met after. They have all offered us support, understanding and comfort in the most difficult time of our lives.
I am grateful for so many things I used to take for granted. I am grateful for that filled fridge. I am grateful for my and my husband’s health. I am grateful for my work and understanding employer and colleagues. I am grateful for those birds singing in the morning. I am grateful for those Friends episodes playing over and over and over on TV. Joey still makes me laugh. I am grateful for the signs my little girl sends me through nature. I am grateful for the house we live in, I love all the light that comes in. I am grateful for every new dawn that offers the opportunity of a new day. I am grateful for my iPhone, I just love that thing. I am grateful for opening my eyes every morning only to see the face of the one I love. I am grateful for this extremely sunny summer we’re getting here in Belgium this year. I am grateful for Sahar’s little stuffed yellow bunny that I get to hug every night.
I could go on for a while, but I think you get the point. Life has slapped me in the face. Life has broken my heart. Life has taken my child from me. Life has knocked me down. But I choose to get up. I choose to fight back. I choose to live this life, and pray for better times. I choose to honour my daughter, and to remember her every day. I choose to live life not only for me, but also for her. I choose to be positive. I choose to believe. I choose to hold on. I choose to be brave.
Take a few moments, think about your life, count your blessing, and fight on.
We’re worth it. Better times will come.