A fellow bereaved mother and I were talking about how it seems like the entire world around us seems to be having zero difficulties at having a healthy, happy, complete family. I know that many of us feel this way. Even when I wouldn’t wish this pain to anyone, having no one in your environment that has struggled with such a devastating loss makes you feel like a complete failure. Seeing all those happy pictures and announcements on Facebook, make us feel even more isolated and alone in this world. While I listened to her words, I could hear an echo of myself saying the exact same things not so long ago.
I’ve been there too. It’s these things that have drawn me away from my personal profile on Facebook, from the big barbecues with pregnant women present, from the pregnancy announcements or gossip, and from birthday parties organized by friends and family for their children. Even the commercials on TV can feel hurtful, and many movies or series where pregnancy is an obvious something they can afford to joke about.
While I recognized every single one of these feelings and thoughts, I noticed that my perspective about this subject has changed a lot, if not entirely. Through my loss and my journey to tell my story, I’ve received so many e-mails and private messages of people sharing their stories and losses with me. I was surprised to find out about so many losses in and outside my direct environment. I think that’s what made me change my perspective.
Every time I see a pregnant woman, a mother holding a newborn or the hand of her toddler, many thoughts go through my mind. Obviously, the first thing my mind flashes to is Sahar. Then used to follow the famous why’s, what ifs and should haves. Why did I have to lose my baby? Why does everyone seem to be having healthy babies? What did I do wrong? Why did I deserve this? What if she would have been healthy? I would have been xx weeks pregnant now. The questions that fill the heart with ache. The questions for which no answers exist. The questions that every bereaved mother asks herself as she gazes at a child that has the same age as hers should have been.
But I see a change now. What I often ask myself these days is: What struggle has she been through to have her baby? Maybe this baby is her firstborn, maybe not. Maybe she has suffered multiple losses? Maybe this baby is her rainbow baby? Maybe she’s been struggling with infertility and this baby is the answer to her prayers? Maybe she has suffered a loss in another form. And maybe not. I’ll never know.
I have to admit, that even today I can’t avoid feeling some envy. Envy for being in that place, no matter what her past is. Because that mother, is in the place I hope to reach someday, the place that seems so far away right now. Those feelings are normal too. And then I remember: Only she knows what battles she’s fighting each and every day.