The future… That thing that brings a terrible amount of anxiety to my heart when I think about it. I wonder what’s coming, what awaits u, what it holds for us… I have many dreams, plans, but especially hope for the future. Hope that it will bring us better times than this present, hope that it will bring healing to our hearts, hope that this terrible weight will lift from our hearts as they are slowly filled with bliss again. But it’s not without hesitation or fear.
It used to be so different, my perspective on the future… I used to look forward to it, planning all my dreams so we could realize them. I used to look forward to it, because every day that passed would bring me closer to a time that I had planned for, that I had been waiting for. I have to admit that many times, I forgot to enjoy today because I was just living through the present looking forward to the future.
When we lost Sahar, my perspective on the future changed completely. It became something unpredictable, something I had no control over, which is what scared me so much (and still does). I never used to think about the things I cannot control, and now they are always on my mind. Will we rise to live another day? Will happiness come our way? Will we be able to realize our dreams?
Loss did this to me. Loss changed my perspective. The future hasn’t changed. It’s still the same. Whatever was in store for me tomorrow before my perspective changed, still is. It’s always been something we cannot control. We can make plans and try to make our dreams come true, we can be positive and do everything in our hands to reach a tomorrow that we want to live, but there are no guarantees. There are no securities.
The future has deceived me before. While I planned for the arrival of my baby, while I was happily pinning pictures that inspired me to create Sahar’s nursery, while I was looking through little baby clothes and furniture for her room, lightning struck and our entire lives were forever changed. Her passing was something we never thought that could happen, let alone prepare for it.
So how can I trust the future again? How I can have faith that everything will get better? That the pain and hurt will lift from our hearts? That we will be happy again? That we will be able to realize our dreams in time? How can I trust the unknown? Especially when it has let me down before?
It’s simple: I have no choice. Today turns into an unbearable task if I don’t trust tomorrow. If I don’t believe in tomorrow, today is just a day I have to get through… Since today is the only thing we really have, it’s important to truly live, enjoy and embrace it. It’s important to have faith, even when we don’t know what’s coming.
Fear of the future,
doesn’t change what’s coming
It only poisons our today,
which is all we really have.
– Laila Bougria