I don’t know where to start today. My chest is so abundantly filled with what seems like an incompatible cocktail of emotions. I feel so much love for you, it’s the feeling that dominates the most. But there’s also the same amount of grief, and I have to admit it weighs very heavy on my heart, especially today. There’s tenderness, nostalgia, and an uncontrollable desire to hold you. But my heart holds feelings of defeat and failure too.
It’s been four months already (in two days that is), and still, I couldn’t let go of all the dreams and hopes I had for you. I’ve spent these last months living in two separate realities. The one that is ours, and the one I still wish we could be living. I realize that I have to let go of that Sahar, I need to give you that space too. My heart whispers to me that I’m holding you back this way, and that I need to release so you can find rest too.
The arrival of your due date placed a heavy weight on my heart, but it also brought me closure. I can finally stop counting in pregnancy weeks. From the day I held that positive pregnancy test in my hand, I was counting in weeks. Each week I would think, x more weeks ’till I meet my girl! I counted 23 weeks until I gave you back, but I couldn’t stop counting. It just didn’t feel right to stop, even after the reality of your loss soaked in. So I continued counting, every thursday. Now we’re here, at 40 weeks, and now, I feel that I can stop counting.
I’ve been working on letting go this week. I have been exhausted, sleeping endless hours. The tiredness wasn’t because of the long walks I took with your dad, I think it’s more because of the internal battle I’ve been fighting. I have, in big part, let go of that unreachable dream. A part of my heart will always wonder what if, and long for that reality that is not ours to live. I know now that nothing will ever change, and that we have to learn to love this life with all the good and bad.
The soft breeze on my face, the rays of sunshine caressing my skin, the butterflies that kept swirling around your father and me during this week, confirmed that you too needed this release. I sense that you feel free now, and at the same time you’re always near, never far away. Fly high with those brave wings of yours sweet little girl. I’ll be here, only a heartbeat away, holding you tightly in my heart. I’ll be waiting, looking in all directions for the little messages you send me in spirit, longing for that day when I can hold you in my arms again.
PS: I really love this picture I took of your name at the beach. Your dad and I carefully picked out some shells to draw your name in the sand. From a photographical point of view, you might argue that my shadow is a fault in the picture, but in my opinion, it’s just perfect. I even enhanced it a bit. It shows that I will always be with you in spirit, like a shadow, remembering you, watching over you.