When Sahar died, I couldn’t understand that life just continued, that the Earth kept spinning, that the sun continued to rise and the night still fell. My world had stopped the moment the OB said those words: She will never be able to live. You’ve seen this scene in a movie a million times. Everything stops. Time loses it’s meaning. The world around us goes silent. Everything happens in slow-motion. We go completely numb. It’s really like that.
I spent the few first weeks of this life after loss with nothing but anger inside me. Every person I came across that was having fun, would get an angry look from me. It hurt my feelings. It broke my heart. How could they smile? How could they laugh? My world is breaking down! I just lost my daughter! I just lost what most mattered to me in the world! I lost a piece of myself! And you can just go on and live your life as if nothing happened?
It took me a while to comprehend, but this is just the way life works. It keeps going. It moves on. The world keeps turning. People continue on their paths through life. The cycle of life never stops, and it shouldn’t. This is the way it should be. Just imagine if the world would stop, even for a brief moment, every time a mother lost a child. The world would never turn again. It would forever stop. It would forever remain silent and motionless. How unfair it may seem to me during this difficult time, it still is the way it should be. Because if tomorrow I am blessed with happiness and bliss, I would want to enjoy every second of it. And I should. Life gives us that opportunity, by never ceasing to turn, by never ceasing to continue.
The heartache of losing a child is something our bodies, minds and souls weren’t designed to endure. Therefore, when a mother is going through this kind of pain, she deserves all the support and consideration she can get. She deserves a moment of silence (and many more) to grieve with her. She will need someone to hold her hand and offer her ongoing support and love. The people that did this for me are unaware of the very special place they earned in my heart.
At the same time, we should also give these special people the space to enjoy the lives they have. It’s not easy for them either. They too grieve our children. Not in the same way, they can never grieve in the same way, but they grieve too. They are sad too. And I’m sure that when they get home and see their children, they give them an extra hug, an extra kiss, an extra look when they’ve fallen a sleep. Because for a brief moment they imagine what it would be like to live without them. And even when they can’t imagine exactly, just the thought of losing their children brings pain to their hearts.
Maybe one day, I will be there, in that place. Giving my rainbow children a goodnight kiss, giving them another hug, and watching them fall asleep. Maybe I’ll have that bliss someday. And if that ever happens, I wouldn’t want the world to stop turning. I would want to embrace every second of it, breathe in every moment. That’s why the world can’t stop turning, that’s why life works the way it should.