It’s been so long since I posted over here… And to be very honest, I had no specific plan to restart my blogging journey again. So much has happened, so many things have changed, that I somehow felt that I didn’t belong here anymore. At the same time, I couldn’t say goodbye to this place, so when the renewal bill for this domain name arrived, I paid it without thinking it over twice. This was Sahar’s space, and there was no way I was saying goodbye to it.
So why did I stop blogging in the first place? Well, 2013 was the most horrendous year of my life. Not only had we said goodbye to our firstborn girl Sahar, but also to Frank’s grandmother only 4 months later. As if that weren’t enough, my mother was taken from us on October 3rd, just 5 days shy of her 66th birthday. I remember posting this on my Facebook page, but that was all I could bring myself to do at the time. I remember endless hours of staring at my screen, trying to come up with the words to describe what was happening in my life to post here, but nothing came out. So instead of adding guilt to my already unbearable grief and stress, I let go of this place for that time being.
Weeks passed, months passed, and before I realized it, I didn’t really have the guts to come back anymore. Because how would I explain? Would my readers understand? What would I blog about? Even more and more grief? The way back to this place, seemed unreachable.
In January 2014, I discovered I was pregnant again. I had spent so many hours reading about fellow bereaved mothers who finally got their rainbows and I often dreamt and even planned about how I would share that hopeful story with the world someday too. But once I was actually in that position, I completely shut down and crawled away deep into my shell.
9 months later, I gave birth to a beautiful, happy and healthy son who lives with me on this Earth and fills my days with joy and bliss. What had become of my journey of grief?, I asked myself. Had it ended? Was my grief over? …
Of course not, and it never will. Grief is a lifetime journey. Sahar will forever be my firstborn daughter, and she will be forever missed and treasured. But grief… it changes, oh my, does it change… Everything is so different, I am so different, too different from the Laila that was blogging here, too different to just come back and pick up where I left off…
More months passed… And I felt even more alienated from this place I used to call home. That is until the beautiful Lindsey from Stillborn and Still Breathing, asked me to do a guest post over at PAL support about my journey in pregnancy and anxiety after loss. Writing that post (which you can read here), hit me like a tsunami. It was hard and so incredibly beautiful to do at the same time, and the most important thing, is that it made me realize just how much I missed this place of sharing.
Then it hit me. This is not a difficult decision, it’s an obvious one. Even in the earliest day of grief, I just loved reading Franchesca’s blog who now started a new journey over at Wild Feathers Wellness. At that time, Franchesca already had two rainbows, and blogged about grief only now and then. Many of her posts were about wellness, her babies on Earth, and the beautiful mess that is life, as she would say. The reason that I loved her blog, is that she was living proof that life could be beautiful after loss. And that inspired me, that gave me hope, that made me dream, that someday, that might be my life too. Although I’m not quite there yet, I’m very well on my way to that place, and my days consist of far more joy than grief.
Most of my readers are fellow bereaved mothers that seek support, help and understanding in their situation. I have a rainbow now, but I will forever be a bereaved parent. I am coming back to this place, as a new person, with a new reality and a new life. I will be sharing about grief and loss in a new perspective, about pregnancy and parenting after loss, and about my life how it is today: beautiful, exciting, anxious and bittersweet. I hope you welcome my new me as much as I am excited to share my thoughts and experiences with you. I hope you find support and hope in them, as I have found in that of others. I hope you will continue to read about my journey, both good and bad.
PS: I understand that sometimes you just don’t want to read about pregnancy or parenting after loss. I completely understand and respect that. Because of that, I created a new category just for these kind of posts. If you wish to ignore them for now, you can just subscribe to the RSS feed for Grief & Healing, and you’re always welcome to read the rest of my content once you feel ready.