Tag archive: The ugly part

Loss is also a physical thing

Loss is also a physical thing

If you would have asked me to describe stillbirth, pregnancy or infant loss before I experienced mine, I would have used keywords such as: heartbreak, emotional trauma, psychological trauma, and so on. Although that’s all accurate, there’s a lot more to it than just the mental, emotional and psychological effects. Physical trauma plays a big…

How loss is survived

How loss is survived

I had a terrible day today. A lot of things happened that transported me all the way back to the day my OB told me were going to lose our daughter, that she was never going to live, that she would never grow up, learn to walk, go to school, play with her friends, fall…

Recognising her presence

Recognising her presence

It’s midday. Lunch-time. Everyone walks out of the office, to spend their break outside: sitting in the sun-shine, enjoying the good weather. I stay at my desk. Looking into the void. Lost in my own little world. Unconscious of what happens around me. I think of Sahar. I remember her beauty, her extraordinary little self….

Hidden warnings

Hidden warnings

Lindsey wrote a post a few days ago that got me thinking of something that’s been going through my mind for almost three months now. She wonders if a thought might have changed the outcome of the pregnancy. If a thought or a dream that something is wrong, can actually make something go wrong. I…

Questions unanswered

Questions unanswered

Did I fail her? This is one of the questions that I constantly ask myself in my inner chit chat. Was there something I did wrong that caused her to get so sick? Did my body fail her somehow? Was she missing any nutrients? Was she experiencing any kind of stress caused by me? Could…

This messy life after loss

This messy life after loss

Today, I want to share some feelings and thoughts I have about this life after loss. Let’s look at it the other way around, let’s start with the bad, and finish with the good. Just to end with a positive note. Envy I envy many of my friends. Their “my kid had a nightmare”-sleepless nights,…

Choosing a path

Choosing a path

I went to the OB today for a checkup. I’ve been looking forward to this appointment for what seems like such a very long time. While I was sitting in that waiting room, looking at all those happy faces and big bellies, I had this storm of feelings completely overwhelming my heart… From hurt, grief,…

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